Heart of the Serpent

2010-06-14T02:27:00.003+01:00

The Waiting

I feel a great change.
I feel it coming soon.
The waves of power cascade.
Like the ocean to the moon.

In the motion there is a calm.
That breath before a scream.
In my mind I whisper psalms.
My respite is but a dream.

The future rushes in silence.
The wind sings out our doom.
We're a step behind this dance.
The music stops too soon.

I think I'd save this world.
And offer one more spin.
If the choice was mine to hold.
But that hope is gone again.

J.

2010-04-05T01:52:00.003+01:00

Warm sun.
Sweet rain.
Soft wind.
No pain.

For a while
I felt it all
Heard the whisper
Heed the call.

Part of this world,
Touching connected.
Then life changed.
I was selected.

Cut away.
Burned, reborn.
Cold and dead.
Forever torn.

Pain inside,
holds me tight.
Black agony,
blocks out light.

Looks the same.
But it's all a lie.
I see the world
Through distant eyes.

Time echoes
in my mind.
Never go back
Alone, left behind.

J

Regret & Purpose

2010-02-12T01:43:00.000Z

Jolyn is still away. I could not get back to sleep for thinking of her and all she'll be facing. Instead I lie here and think of past terrors and things I could have, perhaps should have done. So many nightmares I've seen or lived through. I think of each and consider a thousand different outcomes.

Perhaps I'm not quite as cold and dead inside as I thought. This regret I feel offers a sliver of hope. When I'm finally freed from this cave, maybe I will be able to offer more than my duty as Daegynrok. I think Vinola would want me to be more than just a destroyer. I think I would like that too.

J

A Rumble

2010-02-09T08:25:00.002Z

It's been a long cold winter. For some reason I fell back into old habits of sleeping through most of it. Poor Jolyn acted annoyed but I think in truth she's been relieved.

A few days back I woke to a tremble in the earth. The disturbance was easy to recognize as an earthquake, one far away from my prison. After a while the ground settled once more but still I listened. Tremors that big don't end quietly. No, they end in blood and death.

Hours passed. Then I heard the TV. Jolyn flipped through channel after channel and even without joining her I knew what she saw. Not long after that, she came to me, and made me proud.

"I'm going to help."

She didn't bother to explain. I didn't act like I needed an explanation. She still cares for the people and still wants to help them. I envy her that compassion. I don't feel it anymore myself. I suspect that even if I could leave this cave I wouldn't go to those people in need. But Jolyn is still good inside. And for that I am glad.

When she comes back, she'll cry and rant. But time will heal what disasters like that break in a soul. She'll come back to me broken but stronger. And I'll still be here, still the same.

Until she returns I sleep.

J

Armies of Ash

2009-08-17T21:03:00.003+01:00

Jolyn and I were arguing again about having live tv here in the cave. She is still adamant that allowing me to watch current events simply can't end well. What she fails to understand is that current events aren't likely very different from the same shit I saw out there 500 or a thousand years ago.

People don't really change. Oh sure some of the veneer is different and technology evolves fast enough, but deep in the heart of people, the human race is always going to be at odds with something.

She thinks that simple truth will upset me. She's wrong. The human call to battle isn't necessarily a state of evil. It is what drives humans to grow and develop even if that core remains the same for all eternity. To be honest that drive to improve the world by force is one I respect. And to that aspect I've created a poem to honor the eternal battle cry which drives the human species onward even in the darkest hour.

ARMIES OF ASH

Sun rising from the dark
Setting the world alight
People born, taking breath
Living, dying, full of strife

For love, for life,
For freedom and pain
Everything lost,
Everything to gain

Over and over
Repeated mistakes
Time and again
The same damn heartaches

Someday, sometime
We’ll face the truth
We are all soldiers
Born of the ash
Forever doomed
To repeat the past.

Armies of ash,
Nothing that lasts
People of ash,
Reborn of the past

J.

Sunbathing

2009-06-01T10:11:00.002+01:00

Jolyn is pissed at me.

Yeah, nothing new there. She came looking for me earlier and found me. Found me laying naked in the sunlight. According to her the sight of my nudity has seared the corneas from her eyeballs. She's being silly. Yes, I am her father, but it's not as if we're humans, reared on those restrictive customs and taboos.

Empathy isn't really my strongest skill but I am trying to understand. Raised in hell, surrounded by demons, I suppose my experiences would have differed from hers. The demons often went bare or nearly bare and had little regard for modesty of any kind.

Then again, Jo did spend more than a few years living with some kind of religious order, monks or something. Regardless, she's pissed.

So I'm looking at some way to make it up to her. Maybe I'll just have to limit the nude sunbathing to during her class times.

J.

Fresh air...

2009-06-01T09:38:00.003+01:00

This winter passed as quickly as any other. For me, a single season is little more than a blink. Still with the loss of Sam and with all the time that Jo has spent among humans or with her mother, somehow it was a colder darker season than usual.

But spring has come and mostly gone and above my cave the world is warming to what I hear is expected to be a hot summer. Down here of course there is little change. The same cool stone. The same still air. The same everything.

Until yesterday when a gust of sweet fresh air rushed through the caves. So sudden and new it was a shock and a welcome one. I followed the breeze back to find the source -- a cave in. Sunlight, the first I've seen in several hundred years streamed through the cracked rocks and spotted the drab stone like a splash of golden paint. For a moment, I believed my prison door had finally been opened.

Freedom.

But it wasn't to be. Despite the warm touch from the sun, the path was not open for me. I tried to push through but was stopped at once.

So why am I not pissed off? Because for once, I was treated better than an animal. Rather than lock me away or knock my ass out cold, C talked to me. Shit we probably talked for an hour or more. Honestly he talked while I just soaked up the sunshine. But during his sharing something changed.

Hell, everything changed.

I asked him about Vinola. I always do. He is the god of reincarnation. When I lost Vinola all those years ago he promised to find her for me. So I always ask. But this was the first time he had any news. She has not been recovered. She has not been reincarnated. When she is, I'll finally be freed. According to C that time hasn't come yet. But it will be soon. He said soon.

Soon I will have her in my arms.

And until then, the cave in will be left as it is, so that the sunshine might break through into my darkness one small crack at a time.

J

Sam

2008-09-20T18:19:00.002+01:00

Had a guy sent me a private post through this blog thing. I didn't know you could do that. He said he liked the poetry and wanted to know when I would be posting more. Here it is.

You
are
all
worm
food

I
watch

Dying
is
the
easy
part

We buried Sam today. He fell asleep at my feet and never woke up. Just like Sam to not want to cause any trouble even in death. With as much death as I have seen in my life you would think I would be immune to the loss, but I'm not. I think I took it even harder than Jolyn.

We found a quiet spot in the caves that had a dirt floor. Then I buried him in the old way of the Tascryn Demons. Considering he could shepard my soul I felt that was fitting. I dug the hole, with a small ceremonial trowl. Deep down and perfectly round. Then I prepared the bottom and sides so he would not have any rocks poking him. Some loose dirt at the bottom to soften the bed. Sam, curled in a ball inside his shroud... he might have still just been asleep.

His shroud is gold with sparkles. Jolyn's choice but fitting. Then we each placed a some dirt in while thinking of Sam and all he gave us. I filled in the hole.

The top of his grave has two stones. One from me and one from Jolyn. It is a small cairn but one to show he was loved and will be missed. My stone has his name and is partially blacked with dragon fire. Jolyn carved a stone for him. It says "Loved".

Sam, we miss you.

J

feeling poetic

2008-08-15T22:01:00.001+01:00

sudden pain
breaking apart
love torn away
from a broken heart

violent impulses
held in tight
cradled in darkness
away from the light

no thinning clouds
under no blinding sky
for freedom I weep
forever I cry

locked here in my
dark garden of stone
I dream of my past
my future alone

hearts broken
pain without end
for now I sleep
waiting for when

for rising tides
and shaking ground
this world gone wrong
becomes fire bound

kingdoms of fire,
landscape burnt bare
take care of the edge
dragons be there

J

Another day in paradise

2008-08-05T21:51:00.002+01:00

or some such shit. I'm hanging out here in the cave alone again. Jolyn is off with her mother doing some crazy fucking thing. This time it's a mother/daughter bowing league. For gods sakes. You've got to be kidding me. Bowling?

Oh well, at least she left me entertainment. Jo brought me new dvds, this time two years worth of some tv show called Dexter. Have to admit, she knows me well. I do love this show. My only complaint is that sometimes it seems the murdering psycho complicates simple things. If it's his nature to kill, why is it wrong for him to do so? I seriously like that he found a way to channel his needs into something that improved the world as a whole.

Hate to get deep and analytical, but I wonder if I can turn my own dark nature to some favorable light? Not sure, but I'll have to give it some thought. My particular skills at first seem to have only one use and I don't think the rest of the inhabitants of this paradise would appreciate being burned into nonexistence. I could be wrong but since it's sort of a one time thing, I don't think I'll experiment.

Not that it matters since I'm still locked up here.

J

Wolves

2008-06-15T02:16:00.002+01:00

Wolves. I honestly didn't think much of them or their duel souled counterparts, the Valafrn until one day when I met one and she kicked my ass.

Vinola was a Valafrn werewolf but also more and much like myself she was out in the world searching for herself.

Jolyn, I hope you understand that I never loved your mother. I cared for her and I respected her courage. But there was no love, not the kind that should be between mates. She was given to me as a sacrifice. Her family expected me to eat her. (I did, but that's another story) Perhaps in our circumstances tolerance and eventual betrayal was the best we could hope for.

But Vinola was different. She captured my heart from first glance. Oh sure, it took her a while so see any value in me, but it wasn't for lack of my trying. You might wonder what it was about one werewolf that caught my eye when I'd seen the whole world and not been overly impressed with any other? I think this might be the difference between love and "forever love".

Damn that sounds cheesy.

I believe that if the world had given us enough time your mother and I could have come to love one another. But no amount of time would have bound her soul to mine. I think that space was already spoken for long before I even came into the world. Vinola was that other half that I'd been searching for without ever understanding. The moment I saw her, my heart awoke. That inner place in my being that had been quiet--it roared. I had to have her, be with her, love her.

Nothing else mattered.

Grant was with me at the time. He and I fought over my reaction to Vinola. I was then, and still am now, completely irrational when it comes to her. I'm sure I drove him nuts. If he hadn't promised to stay by my side no matter what, I'm sure my mood swings would have driven him away. But he did stay and eventually Vinola relented.

We were together far too short a time. But for that time the world was perfect. Before we'd had more than a taste of that love, she was gone.

If I get a little misty when I see wolf art, it is for missing her.

J

WHAT?

2008-06-13T05:28:00.003+01:00

Umm... ok. That was not the reaction I expected and to be blunt I'm not sure I'm open minded enough to ah... hear any more about it. :)

Jolyn
who is now in shock and happy to leave your blog to you.

The angel

2008-06-13T05:28:00.001+01:00

Leave the angel. He is rather attractive.

J

A note from Jolyn

2008-06-10T06:08:00.003+01:00

Yes I broke into your blog. Sorry. Well not really. I just wanted to say I am sorry for making your life more difficult. I love you and I'm very glad to have you watching over me. The concept is something new to me and might chafe at times, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.

I DO.

We beasties need to stick together. Yes, you were right about Bob. It never would have worked. That didn't keep me from wishing it could. As for my mysterious brother... I understand your enthusiasm. I do. But I'm not ready to share you yet. Somedays I feel like we've only just met. Please have patience with me.

I guess that also explains part of your reaction to my mother's out of the blue arrival. Her in my life will not now or ever take me from your life. It won't. (refer back to beasties sticking together comment)

Even from our one brief meeting, I believe I want to get to know Maya. That is the name she goes by now, although she did tell me that you knew her as Mia. Close enough that I imagine it makes little difference. What is different or at least she claims is different is her. She openly admitted to making many mistakes which others myself included were forced to pay for. I'm not sure if I forgive her for casting me aside but now, here in the present, we have a new chance and I think I'd like to take advantage of it.

I won't ask you to like her, or even tolerate her. If I have to I can meet with her away from our home. But to be honest, I'd rather have you nearby. I'm not so sure of her or my abilty to judge her character to be comfortable without your support.

If that's too much to ask I do understand. Perhaps you can tell me if this Grant guy might be willing to chaparone us if you can't? You seem to trust him and I know how rare that is.

Oh I posted some pictures for you. :) The dog reminded me of Sam and the wolves were just beautiful. I know how much you love wolves. Perhaps someday you will tell me why. Oh and the angel was just too sexy not to share. LOL!!

Jolyn
PS: LOL is short for Laugh Out Loud which in this case was because I can so imagine you face when you see the sexy angel. :D

What happened and the shit that hit the fan

2008-06-09T06:37:00.001+01:00

The visit the other day from the Lord of Darkness raised a shitload of issues. Besides me being a pissed off asshole.

Let me start at the beginning. He came to speak with Jolyn, not me. The topic that they thought would be better off not for my ears was Jolyn's mother and her interest in meeting Jo.

After a blew up a few more pieces of furnature I listened, really fuckin listened to what Jo was saying. She wanted to meet her mother. She wanted to meet the woman who cast her aside as an infant in a trade for power. She wanted to meet the crazy bitch face to face. What for I still don't understand. What I do know is that she made only one demand, that it be here with me.

It was about that time that I think her words sank into my think brain. She needed me. I was already here, part of her life and she needed me to be there for this big moment too. I offered to barbique the witch for her, but she made me promise to control my temper and let her do this.

The coming of Ragnarock couldn't be more trying. I mean how am I supposed to accept this woman back into my life even if it is vicariously through Jolyn? She betrayed me, bartered my child to my enemy and had the gall to do it all while pretending to give a shit about what I wanted. After pleeing my case with Jolyn for two days, I conceeded. Her mother came today. She walked right into my cave and sat down with my daughter drinking my fucking tea.

I stayed back and kept my many violent opinions to myself. I did however listen to every word said.

I expected her to use her slippery tongue to twist Jolyn's affection. She didn't. Mostly she listened to Jo, asking questions about her life, both before she foudn me and since. She didn't comment on me or our past. I was surprised. After about an hour, she got to the meat of her visit. She apologized to Jolyn and to me for her actions so long ago.

My suspicious nature says it might all be a trick, some devious opening to a malicious plan. But I didn't sense any subterfuge from her. I did sense remorse and much longing.

I wonder if perhaps she has grown up... Perhaps I expected too much from the girl so long ago. She'd been little more than a child herself when she was given to me as a sacrifice. Has she grown more wise? If so perhaps she and Jolyn may be able to salvage some kind of relationship.

I do have one terrible fear though. What if she is only here to finish her bargain? What is my father is still after Jolyn? If he is... If he is still controling this woman, then I fear what will come next. When she took my child from me the first time, I was devastated. Now that I know Jolyn and love her more than life itself... Now there would no imprisoning stone nor even fire in hell that could stop me from vengeance.

Let rain the destiny of all the worlds (in other words - bring on the shitstorm). I will watch you Mia and I will watch over my children with more diligence than ever before.

J

WTF?!?

2008-06-03T00:15:00.000+01:00

It's been years since I've been this pissed. no not years. decades!

I damaged (charred to a black lump) my other computer but had to get this out before I burn the whole cave down.

About an hour ago, Grant arrived. Kind of a nice surprise.

He wasn't alone. His stepfather, reigning Tascryn demon, Lord Pahele was with him. (A seriously not nice surprise.) Not that I have much against Pahele. He has been almost decent to me over the centuries, but I'm sick of having my prison turned into a revolving door with guest after guest. Jolyn comes and goes and I've gotten used to her freedom while I remain trapped. And I'm glad to have Grant come by now and again although it pains me each time he leaves and it is drilled into me again that I can't go with him.

But to have virtual strangers wandering in and out... IT'S TOO MUCH.

And to top it off, Pahele wasn't here to visit me anyhow. He'd come to talk with Jolyn and I wasn't even allowed to hear the duscussion let alone have an opinion or participate. I mean, WHAT THE HELL, this is my home. She is my daughter. How dare they?

Bastards.

Sam's hiding. Jolyn hasn't come back yet. We lost another sofa to fire damage.

I'm going to my lake.

J

A visit and unexpected news.

2008-05-15T01:09:00.001+01:00

Grant came by today. This time he came to see my daughter, not me. But knowing me as he he does and being as loyal as one of his ilk can be, he spoke with me first before changing my daughter's whole future.

He had in his possession a letter from Jolyn's mother, who I'd thought was long passed from this life. I don't know the contents, but the fact that Mia still lives and is attempting to contact Jolyn is unnerving at best, and more likely downright shitty.

Mia... I once thought I might love the girl. She was given to me during my time with the native people of Central America. Grant and I had thought some time traveling there might be a pleasure and surprisingly, it was. The freedom to take my true form was liberating even if the people did tend to worship me in ways I did not always enjoy.

J

Letting sleeping dragons lie

2008-05-12T22:18:00.000+01:00

Jolyn came back. She snarled when I asked about Bob. I'm guessing that means their great love didn't prove great enough. I won't ask again. No point in stirring that pot of pain up.

She has focused all her formidible energy on renovating an area for her own personal space. What once was a bare cavern set back from the main cave has now been transformed into a lavish and very feminine bedroom. It is of course more spacious than any human housing would be, but I can see the likeness to the design magazine she has been staring at.

Sam is baffled by her behavior. Although he is usually willing to share his attention with her, lately he hovers by me while watching Jolyn with a twinge of fear. The fear is from her first night home when she growled at him, something she'd never done before. I know she would never hurt the dog, but his nightmares over past treatments make trust a tenuous thing.

I haven't brought up her brother again. I will in time but for now I will be focusing on the daughter I have rather than to stress her or myself over a son who we will soon enough have time to meet.

We don't talk about anything important. We barely talk at all. But for now it is for the best. Before long her pain will dull enough to be manageable. Until then it is best to let sleeping dragons lie.

J

surprises

2008-02-23T23:13:00.000Z

It has been an emotional couple of weeks.

Jolyn read the last post and called me that night. But she did not come home. Instead she told me that she and Bob were going skiing for the week. Why would she do that? Why would she, who is bothered by the cold actualy seek out a snowy mountain for nothing more than sliding down it? It makes no sense to me.

And I thought she would want to know about the rest of her family. The thought of finally getting to know my son rends me nearly in half. Yet she only came back last night.

Far from being excited, she refused to talk about her brother, barely glanced at the photo.

Confused by women no matter the species

2008-02-13T04:51:00.000Z

Jolyn is insane. I'm sure of it and I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It does run in the family. She has proclaimed herself in love with a human. She has decided to live among them so that she can be with him.

Bob. I don't get it. One minute she is complaining about the miscreant's behavior and the next she is ranting at me for agreeing. All I said was that she could just eat him next time he pissed her off and then she jumped down my throat. Then she explained the real problem.

He thinks she's human. She hasn't told him the truth... which is good.

She said he accused her of shutting him out. I had no answers for her. I wish there were some way she could have what she so badly wants but being normal is never going to be the truth of her existence. She isn't human. No amount of pretending can make it so. Although she may truly love this Bob, I cannot see a future for them.

But perhaps I am wrong.

I have yet to show her the picture of her brother. Perhaps doing so will help her to not feel so alone. She moved out three days ago and has not been back since.

Jolyn, if you read this, come home. We need to talk.

J

I have no words

2008-01-22T05:16:00.000Z

Grant came by again. This time he brought with him a photograph of a young man. Tall and blond with blue eyes so clear they make me ache. After handing me this blessing, my friend left me alone again.

He didn't need to tell me who the picture was of, nor did he stay to see how I would react. He understood, and gave me this time to find myself once more.

The blue eyes are like my own, like my father's, like my grandfather's. The wavy blond hair is so like like his mother's hair as is his fair conplexion. But he has my height. I can see that even in the photo.

My son.

The picture shows him with a group of people in front of a new home. The earth is still raw and the paint fairly glitters with its newness. The people around him, they all look so happy and... I don't know how to explain it. They are together, a family. My son is among them but unlike the others, he is touching no one. There is a barely visible space around him, that I know much about. The others will be his clan, those wolves who he calls family. But he is not one of them.

He will never be one of them.

My son, so like me and yet so very different from...everyone else.

I can't wait until Jolyn returns so that I can share this with her. Perhaps it is time she and I talked about the rest of her kin. She deserves to know them or at least know of them.

J

I hate the cold

2008-01-19T04:49:00.000Z

Jolyn swears the cave is the same temperature now as it was last August, but the freezing marrow of my bones says differently. About this time every year I have the urge to move somewhere warm or better yet, hot. But of course that isn't possible.

The best I can manage is to think back to those days when I was able to travel, when on a whim I could head for the beach or better yet the Egyptian desert. Egypt was the first place on the mortal realm that I saw and to this day those burning sands have left a lasting impression. I wonder if Grant ever visits the homeland of his father? Perhaps he and I can talk about it next time he visits.

Or perhaps not. He hasn't come back since Sam caught him sneaking around my cave. How odd is it that I actually want to have some company? Maybe that is because Jolyn has been spending more and more time away from the cave. As nice as Sam is to be here with me, I yearn for something more, some contact that I'm missing.

It shouldn't be such a mystery. For centuries I have been here, trapped with myself for companionship. Well, I make piss poor company even for myself. Once Jolyn came, I began to realize how much of my life was empty.

Being alone was not a comfort. Being alone sucks.

The music and TV do not make up for the quiet in my heart. I long for the simple contact of holding hands, or sitting close. That isn't something that Jolyn and I share, not even in the sense of father and daughter. Between us there is little touching.

What I miss is that illusive emotion called love. Vinola. She and I touched all the time from the first moment we met. It was more than lust that flared between us. It was love even before we were brave enough to call it such. Losing her left me cold and dead inside. Still I long for even a shadow of that warmth. Perhaps someday there will be another in my life that will want to hold my hand and sit close.

Perhaps Sam and I will watch Lakehouse again. The distance between those lovers was as poignant as can be and yet there is always hope. Enough rambling.

J

Sam, my great protector

2007-10-03T18:13:00.000+01:00

I had a visitor today, one I did not expect. And for me to be surprised is never easy and usually a very bad idea. As it turned out I was sleeping in my large and scaly form when Grant arrived. Yes, that Grant. It seemed he was just checking on me as he claims he has done often without my knowledge.

I did ask him why bother with secrecy but he avoided an honest answer which is pretty typical of the 6000 year old punk.

Back to my protector. Since I was sound asleep and Grant apparently can run under my radar, he made it all they way into the main cavern, not more than twenty feet from me. That was when Sam bolted out from between my front claws where he likes to sleep and turned into a snarling monster, fearful enough to send lesser demons scurrying for safety. Unfortunately Grant isn't a lesser demon. Far as I know he is still third in line for hell's throne.

After my rather sudden awakening, and the accidental charring of my favorite leather sofa, I laughed my ass off at Grant being cornered by my vicious puppy.

Grant was somewhat disconcerted and left shortly afterwards, but he did promise to return soon and this time announce his presence properly. I look forward to the coming visit and I owe this pleasure to my spoiled pet.

Good dog.

J

Beaten and subdued

2007-02-20T06:51:00.000Z

Haven't been on the blog in a while. I probably shouldn't be here now either considering my current mood. Yet here I am because Jolyn won't hang out and let me rant at her.

She, the rotten beast, is out on a date. She went out on a night that we usually watch Heroes together. Okay, to be honest we don't watch it together every episode, but I expected to watch this one together and she wasn't here.

She said, and I quote, "Watch it with Sam, but don't char his fur". As if I would hurt the dumb dog. She doesn't understand why Sam stays with me. Neither do I really.

I guess I should explain where Sam came from first... Jolyn found him in a box by a dumpster on campus the week after New Years. She figured he was an unwanted Christmas gift. Why am I not surprised that some human out there threw away a living creature? I'm not because I've seen it over and over again.

Jolyn was surprised and brought the gangly puppy home to our cave. I think she would have loved the little monstrosity, but instead he became my shadow. At first I found it a bother to always have Sam so close, but now...well he is good company and makes no demands on me.

One thing I have learned about Sam is that his previous home was not a pleasant one. He may have been there only a few weeks, but it left a lasting fear in him. If I move too quickly around him, he looks at me as one who is about to be beaten. I know that look and have seen it often enough before. I even wore that emotion for a time. For Sam it is not in his nature to rebel against his tormentor. I wonder if that might have been an easier course for myself. I will never know because it has never been in my nature to accept cruelty or even authority.

So little Sam with his long gangly legs and his tan colored body still cowers when I'm angry. But he doesn't cower as much as he once did and Jolyn thinks that I show more restraint to save Sam undue fear. She may be right.

Jerdin
with Sam laying on my right foot.

tinsel tag

2006-11-25T07:14:00.000Z

TINSEL TAG

Whoops! Wrong answer.

Jerdin doesn't want to come out and play.
Sometimes you can visit Jerdin at his blog, Heart of the Serpent.
Use your back button and try again.

KILL THE CHEERLEADER ALREADY!

2006-11-21T04:50:00.000Z

Jolyn is threatening to take my TV away, now that I finally found a show I enjoy. But my question for her was... How exactly did she expect me to react to the show?

In case you haven't guessed, I'm talking about the TV series, HEROES. Jolyn and I have had a running "date" as she calls it to watch it together every Monday. At first I thought it would be a good time to catch up on my sleep, but as it turns out, the show is quite good.

So they have been building up all this suspense over how the world is going to end and these few special people are all that stands between survival and the world being blown to smithereens. To save the world, they have to save some silly cheerleader who seems to be indestructible anyhow.

Jolyn is getting all gooey eyed over the heroin addict- er, I mean the tortured artist... sheesh. If she brought him and his drugs here I think I would just eat him and save her the trouble.

The part that freaks Jo out is when I start cheering for the bad guy. The nuclear guy is cool and Syler or however you spell it... Well he is making it happen. Though now... Well I won't ruin it for anyone who missed this episode.

Don't worry I won't be sitting here next Monday staring at a wall. I told Jo that if she takes my TV, I will go out and get a new one. And you know, when I go all calm and say things like that she gets worried, so the TV is no longer in danger.

daegyn-rok

just like you...

2006-10-12T22:56:00.000+01:00

Jolyn still won't give me live TV or radio. I asked her why and she started to lie to me about not being able to make it work down here. Whether it was the snarl of frustration of the searing of her favorite sweater... Well she finally answered me. AFTER swearing like a sailor.

Her words and I quote, "because you are pissy enough without having the whole fucked up world to get riled about. If I got the damn news here I would have to kill you to have any peace in my life at all."

So the short answer is no, it ain't happening. But as a compromise she brought me a new stack of music CDs. My favorite today is "Just Like You" by Three Day's Grace.

The down side of the song is that it made me think of Daddy Dearest. (I picked that insult up from a movie the other night, though she was talking about her mommy dearest.) Well, thoughts of my father are far from warm and fuzzy but now and then I do wonder... Well, I wonder a lot of things but mostly I wonder what made him do all the terrible things he did and how he could find it all justified. I remember long ago when I was very young, long before Grant was even born to be my companion... I remember my father as a loving and gentle man. He held me and played games and we were not at odds. We were not at war.

But all that changed. When I learned that he had an agenda for creating me and that he expected me to do terrible deeds in his name... That did not really change how I felt for him. Sure, I disagree and argued and refused, But Jo does the same to me, so perhaps that was fairly normal.

What changed every bit of my love to hate and what took my angst and twisted it into homicidal rage was the moment he shot my Vinola. For that I can never forgive him.

In the darkest most hidden part of my heart I wonder... How could he do it? He swore to love me and yet he carved the heart from my breast taking away the woman who let me walk in the light, her light. As the demons call the soulmate... Vinola was my Morningstar.

Father, you are a ruthless bastard and I could be just like you.

J

fall...

2006-10-04T19:00:00.000+01:00

fall sucks. I can feel the changes in the world above me and wish so much that I could experience it myself. Jolyn brings fruit and bright leaves to our cave, but it isn't the same.

Jo brought a new entertainment system too. She is so strange at times. She has converted a corner of the main cave into a human habitat as she calls it. She has installed soft brown furniture. A sofa, loveseat and two chairs all in leather. The best part is the big screen TV, VCR, DVD... and I'm sure some other letters that I have forgotten.

When she was explaining what it all does, Jo mentioned that some people watch the current news on the TV but that we won't be able to do that. She said that we couldn't because of being so far under ground, but I know better. The girl is too smart to let a little thing like dirt stop her, so I figure that she doesn't want me to see the current news about the world. I'm not mad at her. she's probably right.

Now we have a stack of those DVD movies and she is promising a movie night tomorrow. Tonight she is going out with another young man. I hope this one goes better than the last one.

J

The Companion.

2006-09-19T20:36:00.000+01:00

I know Jo reads this journal. I don't have the heart to ask her not to when she claims the whole world has access to it. I know she reads it because she asked me this morning about Grant and who he was. I've never mentioned Grant to her before because he is part of the past that I try so hard to leave behind.

I couldn't explain him to her when she asked but I will try to do so here. Grant was my friend, but so much more than that. In a time when I could trust no one, he became my confidant. But he was supposed to be my handler, nothing more than a tool to force me to do deeds I didn't want to do.

Jormangund thought he could use Grant like a leash. Neither Grant nor I liked the idea all that much. Grant is unique in all the nine realms. His mother is the ruling queen of hell, a demon of such beauty and power that Pahele, master of hell would settle for no other at his side. But before she bound herself to Pahele, Sadrina had a child named Grant. Jormangund and his sister Hel stole Grant and gave him to me as a slave, as a companion.

What they didn't expect was that Grant had honor and instead of betrayal, he offered me friendship. I was a bit easier going back then and I accepted friendship. With him at my side I was allowed to leave hell and go out to explore the worlds I was supposed to destroy. We traveled together for about four thousand years. To say we were close doesn't even begin to cover it.

J.

purpose

2006-09-12T03:22:00.000+01:00

Jolyn finally came back today, briefly. I don't recall what I said but she threw a handful of newspaper articles at me and stormed back out. She didn't even stay long enough to say hello or goodbye. It was very unlike her.

I think I may understand though. She was afraid. The articles she brought back were all about terrible things that have happened around the world in the past few years. She must have been collecting them for quite some time. She has never asked why I am caged here so deep in the earth, but I think she knows. She knows how Vinola died and that I was more than a tad upset. But I have never spoken to her about what the prophesies say I will do.

Then again, the way people keep fucking up the world, I may not be needed after all. What good is an ancient Daegyn-Rok when every being acts as a destroyer?

I can almost hear Jolyn's argument. She sounds a lot like C when she speak up in the defense of men. "They have their good sides. Not all or even most are evil." That may well be true but when evil is allowed to walk among the good without restraint then all is lost. Those same good people will turn away from an unfair lynching, will shun a man for his poverty, will punish men whose only guilt is illness. It is true they may not be evil, but they perpetrate it damn well.

The day after Jo left the first time, I roasted the CD player, so the caverns echo with sounds of the underground river. That monotonous rush of sound dulls some of my emotions. Now, I'm not even sure what I was so angry over. I just wish Jo would come back. The cave is far too lonely without her. Without her the only company I have is my memories and those bring nothing but pain.

That's not exactly true. There were a few good times. Perhaps I will try to dwell on those for a while. Vinola. Everything about her was good. Even when she kicked my ass, I loved her more than the breath she stole with her kiss or her kicks. I still love her. Someday I will find her.

The other bright spot was Grant. I wonder what ever happened to the old rascal. Maybe I should have Jolyn look him up for me. If she ever comes back...

J ~ dreaming of better days...

itching skin

2006-09-06T04:04:00.000+01:00

I finally drove Jo out of our cave.

Even though she went, she didn't want to. I almost snapped her in two while she tried to help me. That was when I sent her running. And if she hadn't shifted form, I might have crisped her fragile human form. Fortunately her hide is tough. By that I mean her skin and her emotions.

So she will forgive me my moodness and chalk it up to my unfavorable situation. Yeah right. I live in a fuckin cage. While she walks in and out free as a lark, I am confined to the lowest sections of these caves. And I'm bloody sick of it.

I don't mean to take it out on her. None of this is her fault. Although the monks might have turned her away for what she is, she was never considered a violent psychotic, prone to atempts to destroy the world. I on the other hand...

Well let's just say I was going through a rough patch. After the shit that happened that year, my reaction shouldn't have surprised any of them.

I don't think C was surprised. I know he was sympathetc. I also know he put me here for my own good as well as his own and everyone else's. I just wish they hadn't left me alone. Maybe it was seeing Jo get ready for a date that has me blowing steam, but I just miss Vinola so damn much. And staying in this form isn't helping much either, though I think I may like this journal idea. So I'm off for the underground lake. Someday I may have to share just where my little prison is... but not tonight. Tonight I swim and listen to Slayer.

Jerdin
who btw- did not roast the boy for dumping my Jo.

revenge

2006-09-05T05:50:00.000+01:00

Jolyn came back from her date. Pissed doesn't even begin to cover how she reacted when the pathetic human left her at the dance club to leave with another girl. Pissed and hurt are a very bad combination. I know she was more pissed than hurt because she threw things while she cried. Eventually, she let me comfort her.

Holding my baby in my arms while she cried out all the rejections and hurts that she had ever suffered was a new experience for me. Usually, she is the strong and emotionally stable one of us. But holding her petite body, and stroking her silver hair, I was almost overwhelmed by protectiveness. I've never spoken the words, but I do love the girl, and seeing her in pain made me want to rain fire down on London. The destruction of an entire city to destroy one human is nothing if it would make her smile and ease the ache in my chest.

She refused to tell me the boy's name. Even angry she has more sense than I do. Not to mention significantly more compassion and forgiveness. I'm not sure I have any of that left for any world of the nine realms. No, I'm sure I don't. Very little keeps me from--

She wants me to listen to a new CD that she picked up. It's by a band called Slayer.

Damn- that is good. I think I have a new favorite band. Hell, I even like their name. It is appropriate, beyond words.

Also Jo is trying to show me how to do more things with this journal to make it fit me better as she puts it. Today... checking out font colors. Thought the red was nice.

Jerdin

music to calm the angry beast

2006-09-04T05:06:00.000+01:00

Jolyn was right.

The CD player was a good idea. The sound rolls through our cave with a beauty that brought tears to my eyes, the first time. She brought some that I had heard before but I think I like the modern music just as much. I am currently playing an album by a group called Godsmack. At first I found the name rather ridiculous, but the irony of me playing it loud enough to shake the stone walls, was not lost on me.

I actually have the urge to search out a few gods and explain to them the joke, but I think they would find little humor in it. So instead I sit here in my pretty prison and feel the sound roll through me like an angry roar. Oddly, I find all that human emotion calming.

You might wonder where the lovely Jolyn is, or why I'm here alone, as I so often am. Jo, had a study session with a fellow student. She told me (repeatedly) that it isn't a date. Yet, she spent nearly two hours getting ready to study. Jo used makeup that she didn't need and tied her silver hair back in some kind of hairstyle that held it up off her neck. She also wore the amber necklace which I created for her years ago. If that isn't a date, I don't know what is.

It's very strange, this feeling of doom I feel over her absence. Perhaps it is no more than a typical father's fear, but then I have never been a typical father. I fear all the things that could go wrong for her as she goes out and pretends to be human. For she is not, and that alone can lead her down dangerous paths.

I know. For I have walked down them. and at times run back them.

J

shit happens

2006-09-02T23:41:00.000+01:00

Jolyn is a bully.

She is insisting that I type something about my past here. I can't imagine that anyone would *want* to know about my past. Hell, even I don't. But she told me that she wouldn't bring me anymore Playboy magazines until I do, so I will give in once more.

Who am I kidding? I give into her every time and she knows it. But I do at least put up an grumble every chance I can.

My past... sucked.

The bully says that isn't enough... *sigh*

Fine. I am almost as old as time. (which sucks to say-makes my joints ache just thinking it)

I was born sometime after the breakdown of the truce between the norse dieties (asgard and jotun). That was about the time that Loki was caught and imprisoned for-fuckin-ever. Yeah, I really sympathize with the bastard. Oh and he's my grandfather. We're not close, but I've heard the story of how he was mistreated until it was ingrained on my brain.

So you might ask, how am I his grandson? Well, I am the son of his son, Jormangund. Daddy is still around, but we're not speaking. No, my family is not disfunctional, we are homicidal. If Daddy ever shows his face here in my home (prison) then I will do everything in my power to kill him as he rightly deserves.

Jo said to stop for the day. I think she's afraid I'll toast the computer.

She is trying to distract me with a music player of some kind. Not sure how she can claim the little disks will be even better than an orchastra... but she's usually not wrong. I'll let you know.

Jerdin

She's doing it again

2006-09-02T20:09:00.000+01:00

Jolyn is definitely my daughter. (as if the scales weren't a dead giveaway) She can rant like no body's business. And growling/spitting/snarling even manages to look good on her. I don't think it does on me. Villagers tended to piss themselves when I made that face, but she looks kind of cute. I don't think I will tell her that.

So she is ranting about her college professor who hit on her then failed her. I offered to kill him, but she just gave me that look. Sure, I know she could kill him herself, but she shouldn't have to. Besides I would enjoy it more. This women's lib thing is confusing.

The offer wasn't very honest. As much as I would like to be there for her in every way, I still can't leave this cave. Which is probably why Jo feels the need to bring so much of the world back to me. The electronics are a bit baffling, but I do appreciate her efforts.

J

Jolyn says I'm doing this all wrong...

2006-09-02T07:40:00.000+01:00

Jolyn says I'm supposed to bare my soul and explain everything here, not just complain about her.

Explain everything here? Is the child nuts? The world isn't ready to know everything that I could explain. So I think I will leave that for some later entry.

---

I just had to growl at Jo and make her back off. She had the gall to read over my shoulder and started nagging me about it.

To make her happy I have faced worse than this computer, worse than talking about myself or my past, but... that won't make any of this easier. So I may start off simple with this baring my soul crap.

My name is Jerdin. I am about as fucked up as can be when it comes to family situations. Jolyn is my daughter. Her mother died a few thousand years ago and Jo was left on her own for the hardest part of her life. I wasn't part of her life then either. I didn't know she existed. I guess you could say that I have being an absent father down to an art form. You see she isn't my only child. I had another that was born in the 1400's to the woman who was the better half of me. Vinola. She was everything I could have ever wanted in a mate and I lost her far to soon.

There's my soul. the rest is nothing but hell, literally.

J

oh hell

2006-09-02T07:22:00.000+01:00

I don't know what I did to the stupid thing but Jolyn is making all kinds of threats if I do it again. I think she is trying to use her recent psychology degree to some benefit, by "fixing" me. I think that was why she chose that degree. I don't have the heart to tell her, I am way past fixing.

Jolyn is about the only creature in this world that can even tolerate my presence so I try to humor her. Frankly I'm not sure why she stays. She claims she has nowhere else to go, but unlike me, she blends with the humans well. Lately she doesn't even seem to want to hunt them. Wish I could say the same for myself.

Jerdin

WTF- Jolyn said I had to.

2006-09-02T07:15:00.000+01:00

Jolyn set this damn thing up and said I had to use it. She said I have to be more sociable, but I'm still not sure why.

She is standing across the cave glaring at me as I type, which sucks since the key I use most is the backspace. Wait... I think I hit a wring key. The screen is-